In my younger years, I tried dating girls from my home town but the relationships never got off the ground.
Once I was set up with a friend of a friend. We met at a local pub and I hoped for enthusiastic conversation and a bright ending. We talked about the things we both liked but the chat was forced, the mood sombre and we had less in common than we thought.
Some time later, I took another local girl on a date. I’d returned from university and while the craving to head abroad had started to grow, I was determined to give hometown life and a night out with this pretty, intelligent girl a fair go.
I chose the wrong venue. We dined at an elegant restaurant, served seven courses of not-a-lot over three hours. The conversation was stilted and we were awkward table companions. The night ended with a peck on the cheek and a “thank you”.
I never saw her again.
This was a repeated story when it came to dating English girls. A mixed bag of dates, not much success and whole bunch of self-doubt. I wondered what the problem really was. I couldn’t get a girl, couldn’t hold down a relationship when I did, and after each date, I’d look back and realise I was actually bored.
I could launch into a tirade about English girls and their shortcomings but this wouldn’t be fair or true. There was nothing wrong with the girls I dated. The problem wasn’t them, it was me.
I realised I prefer the company of foreign women.
I eventually met my wife – a vivacious, effervescent beauty from Australia – and I thankfully put my years of failed relationships with English women behind me.At university, I dated an Irish girl for a year. I had another 12-month relationship with a woman whose background was Portuguese. Not long after, I had a brief fling with an Italian. Whether or not those relationships were successful, I enjoyed their company and felt hopeful about my time with them.
But I did learn three simple things about myself from both failed and successful dating experiences.
1. I adore uniqueness.
There is something profoundly unique about finding a partner far removed from your homeland. It’s even more fun to fall in love with her.
It’s not that English women aren’t unique but when you’re an Englishman with a foreign wife, every conversation has a different slant. Every moment together is intriguing. With no shared past and no shared geography, each step forward is uncharted territory.
When I dated English girls, we’d inevitably come from the same town or region, know similar people and share past experiences of one sort or another. But with a foreign partner, there is no prior connection and that knowledge is a welcome leap into the unknown.
There is also the novelty factor.
From the holding of hands to favourite television shows, preferred foods, weekend routines, even the style of clothing or choice of vacation spot, everything is different. Everything is new.
There is a constant “newness” accompanied by passion, interest and excitement. And not only do I find her fascinating, I long hoped she found the same with me.
Uniqueness is an attractive, addictive quality and I soon knew I couldn’t settle for the girl next door.
2. My horizons were broadened.
The act of dating and marrying a foreigner was an extension of the kind of person I wanted to be.
I couldn’t imagine a world in which I had a relationship with a girl from the same town, with our loved ones nearby and weekends spent driving from one family’s house to the other.
For most, this is how life should be but I needed space to grow.
I wanted a relationship where I’d feel emotionally challenged, where the road ahead wasn’t always clear cut. I wanted a relationship where we’d take off on last minute jaunts to far-off places, where we’d act with spontaneity and haste, rather than deliberate on our annual two-week vacation.
I needed more than a Saturday night at the local bar. I craved passion and adrenaline, when the blood rushes to the head and decisions are made on the flip of a coin. Where you’re no longer restricted by country or even home town – the world is your oyster and ripe for exploring.
Dating and marrying a foreign women gave me that and more. I felt alert to the possibilities around me and alive to the idea of constant change.
3. I’m attracted to cultural and language differences.
When you date someone from another country, you marry into their life and embrace the cultural differences that follow.
Whatever the cultural focus (family, customs, beliefs), you’re given an opportunity to learn from and better understand each other. And this brings you closer together, creates a deeper bond, makes the connection stronger.
You also learn about differences in language.
Whether it’s subtle nuances in Australian English when compared to British English, or a completely different language altogether, dating foreign women often leads to the learning of a foreign tongue.
I’ve long had a passion for language and while I’m fortunate that my wife and I share the same language, we still have to put in extra effort, focus and understanding to ensure there aren’t regular miscommunications.
It’s why I make sure my knowledge of language is always up-to-date and why, earlier this year, I turned to a service called italki to improve my abilities in an online environment.
At italki, students can search out some of the best online language teachers in the world. The service boasts an audience of over 1.5 million students and 4000+ teachers of 100 languages. It’s great for helping you connect with native speakers and experienced language teachers, especially if you want to get busy speaking the language from the comfort of your own home.
Why the plug?
Because I believe in the value of this kind of service. Because language and culture, and a greater understanding of both, are important.
This is what dating foreign women (and marrying one) taught me.
Have you dated or married someone from overseas? What did the experience teach you?
I really enjoyed your post, Russell. I share the same feelings, yes, I do prefer dating foreing men too! I love uniqueness and diversity both cultural and linguistic makes it really intriguing. I am sure that couples of mixed nationalities have no chances to end in a boring relationship! 🙂
There’s certainly never a dull moment! Pleased you enjoyed it and could relate to it 🙂
Before my husband (an English boy) met me (an English girl) he swore off English girls forever. Apparently I have the qualities of a foreign girl, but I know what Button Moon is and I like a good Cornish pasty 😉
I think one of the reasons I fell for him was because he isn’t like a lot of English guys. He’s been living abroad almost solidly for about 11 years so he carries with him so much knowledge from the 8 countries he has lived in and the people he met. He’s my very own foreign guy (but with a love for West Country cider, and memories of Byker Grove!)
I did. I thought for a long time (and many people expected) that I would marry a foreigner, but I’m with a fellow American. While I do miss the whole getting to know a new culture bit, I have everything I want in a partner in him. We travel all the time and have lots of fun together. Most importantly we love each other and support each other’s individual desires and goals.
Yes to all of these things. Though I haven’t found the right guy yet, I generally avoid British guys
I love british boys! American men have me so incredibly bored
Good on you, Casey. Us British boys are alright! What is it about American men that bore you?
Lol. I won’t take that personally! Interested to know what it is about British men that you avoid? Good to hear you like the foreigner though 😉
And that’s all that matters, right? I know a few people who went on their travels, had a serious case of wanderlust, yet ended up meeting and marrying someone from their home country (often while travelling). I guess they had shared interests and passions, which obviously helped!
If you know what Button Moon is and you like a good Cornish pasty, you would win the hearts of British men around the world! 😉 Most people I meet and like are generally the ones who have travelled like me, lived around the world and have a different perspective. My Australian friends here have generally spent time abroad – I suppose we’re drawn to likeminded souls. Am currently watching ‘I’m a Celeb’ (Oz version) but no Ant and Dec. My memories of the Grove are fading…….. 🙁
I also married a foreigner. I am Asian and he’s American. It’s true that the diversity in our culture and perspective added a lot more color and excitement to our relationship. We traveled together and did things together. However it didn’t last.
I agree with Elle absolutely. Foreigner or local? Bottomline is “We … have lots of fun together. Most importantly we love each other and support each other’s individual desires and goals.” What drew us apart was the same excitement that drew us together. Our differences. It wasn’t cultural but personality differences. To truly embrace another person (or culture), you need to be able to work through different viewpoints and needs. Instead of focusing on what’s missing from the other partner and highlighting the differences, instead focus on what both of you enjoy together and create more opportunities for for that excitement, At the same time, be there to support each other’s individual desires and goals. The balance is not easy.
This is what truly lasts after the novelty of a new relationship has worn off.
Thanks for sharing. Always interesting to hear different viewpoints and the things that keep us together, not push us apart. There’s a lot to be said for common interests, even if the cultural or other differences exist.
The point is it’s all lessons. Good or bad are merely labels. Acknowledging the good is precious, but to be in denial of potential pitfalls is not the way to go. We learn from both good and bad. No judgement needed. Either way we come out wiser and stronger.
It’s the denial that will keep one in the dark. And bitter. That’s life’s ultimate tragedy.
Being a bit of a coward and thus being anonymous, but as a child of a very broken intercultural/racial marriage (that is still going albeit as an utter farce as the blowout from a divorce would be too terrible), I’d like to point out that these relationships do require a lot of understanding and patience to make them work – if one of the people doesn’t have sufficient self awareness to understand their biases it can all go very wrong.
I can remember my parents getting into huge fights all the time – one was over the phrase “when you’re ready”. My Kiwi mum took this as being a subtle hint to hurry up, whereas my foreign Dad actually meant it literally and would then stuff around. It was only years later that I realised this one was just not seeing eye to eye. The arguments can be so much worse when there’s little common ground to even start from.
Thanks for posting the comment – I realise it isn’t always easy (for many reasons) to be as visible as others. I have also seen intercultural relationships hit rocky ground because of a lack of understanding or refusal to budge on important issues (well, issues that are important to one person, where as the other ignores or chooses to hear otherwise). Sorry to hear about this particular one, obviously very close to home, and I do appreciate you sharing!
Wonderfully refreshing to read your blog Russell! reminds me of my early years as an expat when I first emigrated to Canada (from France) with my first husband a German National. Many more years and travel later, a second marriage with a Pakistani and a move to Saudi Arabia spiced up my life even more…. From my perspective now after 45 years on that trail, I would like to highlight some challenges that lie ahead that I never thought about when I first hit the road. They have to do with aging parents in the original home country and teenage/young adult third culture kids going to study in either of the home country or a third one yet!…These latter challenges gave me the opportunity to rock my world yet again over the last 10 years of so, being on a plane and hopping 3 continents and time zones on average every 3 months or so…Some food for thoughts for what lies ahead… all good, since with the challenges also grows the wisdom and the inner resources to deal with it!
Thanks Kiara. Much appreciated!
Thanks Aline! Interesting expat journey too – many life experiences there and you’re right… many challenges and issues that can arise. I hope, on balance, you’ve enjoyed it and thanks for offering your insights based on your own journey. All good stuff 🙂
So, an Australian girl, an Irish girl, and a Portuguese girl? That sums up your ‘foreign’ dating experience? I hate to break it to you friend, but you haven’t moved too far out of your comfort zone. Marrying an Australian girl and moving to Canada is not exactly what one may call exotic…we even all have the same Queen! Anyway, I like your blog and dont want to sound like a hater, but this was cute. Maybe some non-commonwealth, south of the Equator, type experiences might be more relevant though.
Confused. Why does it have to a south of the Equator experience to be relevant? Seems you have very far-ranging expectations of ‘international’ experiences.
Yes, really I was teasing, and I actually didn’t expect you to post the comment, but since you did I do feel obligated to elaborate. I think what bothered me about this post was reading some well thought out, enlightened material and then coming across this, which stuck out.
At a high level, one could argue that all the cultures mentioned in the piece have their differences, but if you put them on a continuum representing all global cultures, they would land around the exact same place. When I referenced ‘South of the Equator’, what I meant could be more accurately described as ‘Southern Hemisphere’ or ‘around and below the Tropic of Cancer’ – here you will find Hispanics, Africans, Asians, Arabs –most of the known world in terms of population.
What you seem to be describing in your post, probably completely unintentional, is your ‘White’ foreign dating experience, which at the end of the day would not, for me, represent much diversity in foreign cultural dating experience. So I was pointing out that the narrow confines of your experience in foreign dating didn’t lead to what you could have experienced if you had branched out more. And I hope that your lack of anecdotes in this area was not by design.
Of course, if your wife is Aboriginal and/or your other dating experiences were with women who were from these countries but of other ethnic origin and still closely affiliated with their cultural roots, please feel free to remove my posts and call me a fool! Thank you for getting back to me.
I am 19 years and old .I am still studying…I am searching a foreigner girl for marry…
I started chatting with this woman online about a year now I’m from the states she’s from Denmark originally from Italy she’s very beautiful you look at us together you would think how did I hook up with her anyways we have a lot in common she likes to excercise, loves movies and video games any gamer guy’s dream girl lol she’s actually coming here next week and we’re both excited its a risk I don’t normally date long distance women Cause there’s scanners out there but I have a good feeling about her she’s flying here next Wednesday and arriving here next Thursday I’m excited about stand so is she
Hi. Yup ur right. Almost identical. She’s from the Ukraine & I’m Canadian. We’re having our 17th year together. Married 11years. ( i was waiting for my divorce to finish. I dated Canadian women & nothing. Always something was missing. I’m 62 now. & if i had to do it all over again. I’d start with a slavic. Hope this helps. Oh u want one from a small town. Whole different bread of women. U’ll luv um.