Living in a foreign country is harder than you could ever imagine.
I’m not referring to the hardship of moving to a new town or city, or the issues associated with buying houses, cars, and other such material possessions. I’m referring to the difficulty of simply fitting in.
In short, you’re a stranger in an alien environment. Your family is absent, you’re pretty much mate-less and, unless you do something about it fast, that’s the way it’s going to stay.
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| Trying to fit in |
In my previous life, I’d spend Friday nights down the local pub with my chums, Saturday mornings in the gym or in town bumping into old acquaintances, and maybe Sunday afternoons catching up with school friends, their partners and, of course, my family.
In moving to Canada, I created a situation in which I left behind those friends I’d have a ‘bit of banter’ with. My family were no longer present, no cousins or aunts and uncles to visit nearby. I didn’t recognise passers-by in the street and heard no warm “hello” from familiar faces in the shopping mall. Overnight, my social life had died and all self-confidence died with it.
I agree that this was a pretty negative way to start a new life adventure overseas. In my defence, I was finding it hard to adjust, and I plain and simply missed my family. I pined for friends and I craved familiarity. I spent all available time with my wife and two dogs, and made no attempt at meeting anyone else.
I was learning a lot about myself in a very short space of time. I quickly realised that my personality didn’t lend itself to confronting strangers and seeking friendship. And why should I? I had plenty of good pals back home. So I didn’t join social clubs or make enough of an effort with new acquaintances. Generally shy by nature, I quickly became isolated, suffering intense bouts of homesickness and increasing negativity towards those people I came into contact with. This attitude pushed those people away, no new friends came forward, and a vicious cycle was created.
It’s often assumed that, when moving to a new city/state/country, fitting in is easy and happens naturally but here’s a word to the wise. It isn’t and it doesn’t. The lesson I learned was that you need to leave your comfort zone and put yourself out there. I didn’t and couldn’t… and paid the price by struggling to settle for the early part of my new life away from the UK.
Would you have done things differently in my situation? If so, what would you say to any expats-in-the-making?
I realise I’m oversimplfying things and a more detailed discussion would include many other factors to consider when assimilating into a new environment but I believe it’s as simple as this: do not consider emigrating if you are a shy person or if being active in the local community doesn’t come naturally to you. If you don’t like the idea of joining new groups, talking to new faces in the street, or generally approaching someone else before they approach you, then moving abroad is not for you.
I had the support of my wife and extended family and learned from my mistakes. Over time, I recognised that the key to a successful emigration is not completing the correct paperwork or packing the right boxes but accepting your new life, warts and all, and making a gargantuan effort with the local people that comprise that new life. Fitting in is never easy but then who ever said it would be?
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That really surprised me Russ!! I thought it was going to be all about learning to say ‘thongs’ instead of ‘flip flops’. Certainly never pegged you as shy!!
Hi am also an expat and I have created a new forum for expats. Can you help get it started and simply join it. I like your blogs and thanks a lot. See
http://livingabroad.freeforums.ms/forum.htm
englishmaninmoscow
http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/english-man-in-moscow
Hey Justine, let’s just say that to fit in with the ‘locals’ in your new home, you have to overcome any shyness so you could say I’ve learned from past mistakes and now put myself out there a lot more but thanks for the compliment! Will talk about thongs in future posts if you like! 😉
Hi English man in Moscow, I’ve joined your forum and look forward to future chats! Please keep following the posts – appreciate your support!
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Like your blog a lot we are similar in likes. Hope to meet you on the forum !! 🙂
Moscow stinks right now due to the smog
Englishmaninmoscow.com
I totally agree Russell
I know totally what you mean about feeling out of place in a new country. It can be daunting when you’re the outsider and you have to make an effort all the tim. It’s one of the most difficult things about moving overseas and many people don’t realise how difficult it is.
Hi Russell,
Having a potter thru your blog after you were kind enough to leave comments on mine-American Expat in London.
Great post here. I completely identify with it-even after living in London for over 2.5 years. I wonder how some people (perhaps you, or me on some level) gain comfort in permanently living outside of their ‘home country.’ There is a sense of familiarlity in my flat due to my ‘crap’ being there, but ouside of my flat, it is a constant sense of the unfamiliar-even though I’ve been looking at the same streets & coffee shops for a while now.
Funny, that.
Hi Kristina, thanks for visiting! I also don’t know how we do it – perhaps we like that feeling of always being somewhere new or being unique or different in our new environment. The unfamiliarity is always there but I, like you, build familiarity around me and try to focus on the things I like and appreciate about my new home rather than making too many comparisons with my home country. It generally works! Hope to see you back here soon…
I stumbled upon your blog by accident…I was thinking about feeling alone and out of place, but for different reasons.
Anyway, I enjoyed my visit very much. I’ll be back soon. 😉
Hi Leslie,
Thanks for visiting! Look forward to seeing you back here soon!
I agree that it’s probably a bit easier for extroverts than introverts (being the former in a family of the latter). Moving anywhere shakes things up and takes us out of our comfort zones, but crossing cultures is much harder in my opinion. Still, it’s possible to make new friends if you’re interested and are patient. Just as you’ll send out vibes that you’re amenable to conversation, so will others. Nice post.
@Linda – I guess I’ve been lucky in that, although I’ve moved across different cultures, I haven’t had to face real language barriers or major cultural differences. Still, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing and I continue to believe you have to be interested in your environment and prepared to make those extra efforts. that said, patience is an imortant point you make. Sometimes you can throw yourself out there but without reciprocal movements from your new neighbours!
I know this is an old post now but I’ve only just discovered your (excellent) blog – this post really sums up how I felt for months (and sometimes do still feel) about moving to Prague. It is hard, expecially if your not the most extrovert person, to look for new friendships at every turn, even if you wanted to. I think the trick is to remember that living abroad gives you the best of both worlds: true friends at home who still love you and think of you even though you’re not there everyday, and the potential to make some new ones! God luck!
Hi Czechingin and thanks for the comment. I also still feel like this, even though the Canadian part of our journey has passed and I’ve been away for eight years – and should be a pro at this! I agree that the key is always taking a positive approach, even when you don’t feel particularly positive. If it’s not working out, it’s easy enough to return to your place of origin but you might as well give it a good shot before you do. That approach has seemed to work out well for me to date. Hope to see you again on here!