My wife is now 31 week’s pregnant. We’re getting there.
In reality, she’s the one getting there and I’m the one still playing catch-up. I watch from the sidelines feeling mainly admiration and a fair bit of apprehension at that fast-approaching event called ‘fatherhood’.
Her pregnancy symptoms come and go, as routine as the time I spend on Google seeking out this week’s potential changes to her body and next week’s unexpected little surprises.
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Photo credit: allegr0 (Flickr Creative Commons) |
As a first-time dad-to-be, my wife’s pregnancy has been a real eye opener. My mind has boggled at some of the subtle changes I’ve seen. Who knew her hair would grow this shiny? Who knew her skin would get so smooth? Who knew she’d develop the glow of pregnancy as well as she has?
Other side effects have been less subtle.
Who knew she’d develop an obsessive fascination with birthing documentaries? The British show, One Born Every Minute, is one of her favourites. Thanks to the wonders of Foxtel IQ, this undeniably graphic TV experience plays out on our television set most nights, generally coinciding with dinner.
I try to ignore the feral sounds coming from the surround sound speakers. I force myself to focus on the dinner plate, concentrating hard on my meatballs and sauce. But I’m just a mere man and weak in the face of such temptation. I look up at the screen – taking in the red-faced screaming lady, bare legs hitched up in stirrups, pain etched across her face – and I feel indescribable terror as I stare at the baby’s crowning head displayed across the entire 38-inch widescreen TV. One of the meatballs accidentally slips down my throat.
No-one warned me about these unusual obsessions. Equally, no-one warned me about my wife’s strange new sleeping habits.
At Week 31, our marital bedroom has become a haven for odd behaviours of the non-sexual variety. She sleeps deeply through the night, as I ram plug after plug into my ears. Call it pregnancy congestion or call it a good old fashioned snore but, in the small hours of the morning, I can’t hear myself call it anything over her mighty roar.
The dog sleeps peacefully in the corner, twitching through another canine dream. I, meanwhile, wrestle with a third body in the bed, fighting a life-size pregnancy pillow that seems to want me out of the bed and onto the floor. I retreat to the cold and lonely back bedroom, banished from my domain, imaginary tail between my legs, wife and dog continuing to noise-make next door in complete and utter ignorant bliss.
Unusual TV obsessions and strange new sleeping habits aren’t the end of it.
I’d heard about family members giving expectant mothers unwanted baby and pregnancy advice, but I never realised I’d also be on the receiving end.
Somewhere down the track, near strangers and friends-of-friends have begun to share things with me about pregnancy from a distinctly male perspective. Somewhere down the track, the in-built filter (if there ever was one) that stops a man from saying exactly what is on his mind simply… vanished.
Blokes I’ve met on a handful of occasions will share their deepest and darkest (and most explicit) war stories about living with a pregnant partner. From the perfect time to copulate (“when her belly’s big and round, she’ll be up for it”) to the best time to avoid my wife when the hormone-filled, emotion-laden weeks take over (“she’ll be a moody, crying, wretched thing so steer well clear”), I’ve been told it all.
I have recurring nightmares of standing with my plumber in the front yard a few weeks ago. In one hand, he pulled out some gnarly tree roots from our sewer pipe. With the other, he outlined in great detail how ripe his wife’s breasts became during her first pregnancy. Horrified, mortified, traumatised, I had nowhere to run to. So I smiled and nodded and squirmed in my boots, pledging that I’d not mention my pregnant wife to any man, especially this man, ever again.
Three-quarters of the way along the pregnancy journey and this dad-to-be is already learning far too much. I’ve discovered that I’m squeamish and I’m good for nothing without a full night’s sleep, I’ll avoid unwanted advice from strangers, and I’ll have to find a way to avoid that blasted TV.
I’ve also learned that being a husband during a woman’s pregnancy is an abstract sort of thing. You’re not the one expecting but you should watch and support from her side. If you thought that meant you’ve got it easy, fellow dads-to-be, think again and expect the unexpected on this wonderful and eye-opening ride.
What pregnancy-related surprises have you experienced (as a mother or father-to-be)? How did the dads-to-be in your life react? Any advice for me?
Good luck on the sidelines, it’s a wonderful journey and when she ask’s ‘do I look big?’ the answer is always, no.
My Hubbie still has my fingerprint impressions on his upper arm from the birth of our three children!!
Hilarious Russell! All I can say is, if you think you’ve got it bad now, wait until she’s given birth and has those postnatal hormones going on, they’ve been a bigger deal in our house. Postnatal hair loss, sleep deprivation, lactation, I could go on and on. Best piece of advice? Enjoy the ride, it passes too quickly, one day you’ll look back and wonder where the time went. Oh, and One Born Every Minute is terrible! Birth doesn’t have to be like that. Good luck!
As a childless old homo (but with more nephews and nieces than you could shake a stick at), I can offer no advice. I can only comment. Welcome to your changed world of screaming nights, terrible twos, tantrum threes, then a few years of respite until you reach the traumatic teens. And, guess what? You’ll love it all.
My husband used to say it wasn’t just me that was pregnant, “we” were preggo… and so he would need some time to rest and put his feet up too. The ban on alcohol didn’t extend to him though, wonder how that works…
The only advice I ever give to expectant parents is 1. stop reading pregnancy books (it’ll be over soon enough) and start thinking/reading about life with your newborn and 2. NEVER play kid music in your car. Make compilation CD’s of catchy stuff you like and pretend its kid music – you may get sick of it but it will never be as bad as listening to songs with names like “The Pooky Doodle Puppy” 20 times consecutively when you have no escape!
My hubby says – if you hold hands with your wife during contractions give her three fingers not 4 (much less painful) and don’t ask “are you comfortable?” (yes, he did!!)
Otherwise, hold on tight, its a wild ride 🙂
I think this could help you: “Daddy knows less” – http://daddyknowsless.blogspot.ca/2007/01/tell-me-something-i-dont-know.html
Oh dear, not good on less than a full night’s sleep and a bit squeamish? Ha! Actually, all I’ll say is that you’ll survive. A few months from now you’ll wonder how you ever existed without that child in your life. It will always keep you hopping because once you get a handle on a particular stage they’re on to the next (keeps the synapses firing, better than Sudoku or other mental gymnastics). You’ll love them so much it’s almost like a physical ache. Think I’m kidding? Head over to Wordgeyser’s and read her post today about the moment when the youngest leaves the nest…
What can I say? Pregnancy is the easy part 🙂
Lol. Don’t tell my wife that. She might currently disagree 🙂
I’ve had that same feeling, Liene. I’ve had to ‘take one for the team’ when it comes to alcohol consumption. Seems a shame to waste that bottle of red or leave it half empty. I’m also needing extra rest. I blame it on the hormones 😉
Ouch. Might need to keep my distance on the big day then, although I’ve been firmly told to “stay at the top of the bed”!
Thanks, Lou Lou. I’ll be shouting support from my place at one side. I’ve found a new way to describe her pregnancy body without hopefully offending her: “it’s all belly and baby”. Not sure if it’s working though.
I think the ‘childless old homo’ suits you well. Wouldn’t have it any other way. And thanks for mapping out my next 15 years in such a way. You’re not the first to point out the various ‘interesting’ stages of this new journey and I’ll be bringing you all along for the ride!
Oh my, that’s a whole new world of pain you’ve just described for me Kelly. I try to avoid the raging hormones if I can but they always seem to find me. Agree that OBEM is an absolute shocker. And some of those women and midwives. Puts my teeth on edge just thinking about it. Thanks for the good luck! 🙂
We are trying to hold on to what it’s like with just the two of us, knowing how quickly and permanently that will change. And preparing for the emotional rollercoaster that I think left the station a few months back. I’ll check out Wordgeyser’s post with interest. Ta very muchly!
Great advice, Evelyn. I will never ever listen to the Pooky Doodle Puppy as a result (although it does sound kind of interesting). I’ve stopped reading the books but we did go to the movies a few week’s back and watch the film with a similar title to this post. It was hilarious but I won’t be doing that again. Too much information. This guy needs less information, not more.
So can I offer my wife ‘no’ fingers? Maybe a rolled-up newspaper instead? Squeezy ball? A cushion?… 😉
That’s great. I’ll have a look now. Thanks for sharing.
Of course she will…we women are a disagreeable lot 🙂 Still, babies are generally much easier to deal with when tucked away in our tummies, being automatically fed and changed, sleeping and waking in complete comfort and safety. In my opinion of course!
I think you’re absolutely right, Sara. Funny to think of them happily living their life and going through those routines in their mother’s tummy. Is it any wonder they literally freak out when plucked from within and thrust into a strange, scary new world?! I think that when I was born I tried to crawl back in…
Imagine the shock and panic! And we think birth is traumatic for the mother! Poor bubby.
Absolutely. Fingers crossed 🙂
Like anything in life it’s what you make of it. They’ll be good days, bad days and those when you wonder why you ever had kids!
Then they’ll be those nights you watch them sleeping and know you would do anything to protect them from the world out there. You’ll love in a way you’ve never loved before. It’s a hell of a journey but there’s nothing else like it – go with the flow, trust your instincts and throw those goddam parenting books out of the window… Good luck!
I’m sure you get lots of these nominations, but I couldn’t do my list without including your blog…..so here goes…
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I know this is not politically correct in the ante-natal world but can I say one word – epidural! My hubbie swore by it…. and I didn’t (swear that is!).
All the best, it will be a fun filled roller coaster ride – with some “Oh my God” moments along the way, but from one parent to another (well nearly) it is SO worth it and despite my two fist fighting (9&6) in the supermarket just now, driving me totally insane on a daily basis, I really wouldn’t have it any other way….
Lol. Thanks for the tip, Louise, I’ll be sure to pass it on, although I think it’s already on my wife’s ‘to do’ list and it sounds like it’ll be good for me too!
Honestly, I’d be a fool not to be looking forward to this phase of my life. Just you saying the word ‘parent’ sends a shiver down my spine. I am at once excited, over-the-moon, proud as a peacock, and happy as Larry. It will be endlessly brilliant, any issues and bad days to one side, and I look forward to sharing (but not boring) my stories with you here soon 🙂
Thanks Jane. I appreciate your words of wisdom! I think I just hit a few pedestrians on the head as I tossed out book after baby book into the street.
In all fairness, it’s not the books that are the problem, it’s the bloody iPhone apps. I have an app for the pregnancy, an app for the birth, an app for baby naming and an app for the early years. The only thing I don’t have an app for is the physical part of being a father – the nappy changing, rocking to sleep, swaddling, feeding, burping, and so on. I’m sure there’ll be one soon.
Thank you very much. That’s kind of you to say so and an award nomination is always a wonderful thing, especially when I’m amongst such great company as the other expats, travellers, and culture junkies on your list. Much appreciated 🙂
It’s great you’ve recorded some of you and your wife’s experiences during this “journey” of pregnancy. It brought back some memories of my own which I had forgotten! My mantra that gets me through the trying times is that everything is temporary (as in the diaper phase, sleepless nights, those long plane trips, etc). It helps put things in perspective and helps me appreciate it all!
Thanks Heather. Sounds like they grow up so fast that everything is so very temporary. I’m trying to limit the sharing of experiences to certain aspects of the pregnancy – I’ll save you some of the less savoury details for now 🙂
Loved this piece Russell. It made me laugh, squirm and remember. It’s a long time ago now that we went through the new parenthood process but I relate to all the things you’re going through. The build up to the birth of one’s first child, the questions, the uncertainties and the excited apprehension all come across in your words. From here on in my best advice is to not have expectations, go with the flow, and prepare for the unexpected because nothing ever happens (or rarely does) a) the way you expect or b) the way others tell you. Enjoy the lead up to the birth and get some sleep – believe me, it’s easier to sleep through snoring than it is through a baby’s cries 🙂 Joking apart, what an exciting time for you both, enjoy and good luck!
Hi Russell,
I am a first time reader on your blog – coming over from New Life on the Road. I loved reading your perspective as an expectant father. You have had a lot of advice given, which is normal when you broach to subject of impending parenthood. I believe this always happens because it is such a life-changing event that people can’t help but put their spin on it.
I am no Madonna but my spin is –
You know how when you are in the throws of new love, you are so besotted that you would willingly endure anything just to be able to gaze into your loved ones eyes, kiss them, nibble on their neck, bury your nose in their hair, play with their toes, and speaking of toes, who knew they could be so adorable…
that is the best of parenthood, plus you get to experience it all with the other great love in your life, talk about a threesome – I won’t bore you with the “worst”!
Jan
OH my gosh!! Bloody brilliant 🙂 And you have so much more fun stuff to learn! Its really funny reading from the Mans eyes of his womens baby to be. And yep everyone will be willing to give you lots of advice when baby is here! My only bit of advice is “Listen to what you feel, what you know and and do what feels right for you and your family” 🙂 Bummer about having to sleep in the spare room! Wait to baby is here….you will be grateful for the brillant escape…as sleep is something that soon becomes a past memory. When is your wifes due date? very exciting times. Looking forward to following your journey into Fatherhood. Thanks for the great read of what to expect when youre not one.
Thanks, Johanna. I’m busy banking sleep as we speak (although I’m told this counts for nothing after the big day) and I wear ear plugs as part of my nightly attire. Preparation is everything 😉
I was recently told that a baby’s screams are rated at 80 decibels whereas a plane flying close overhead is 100 decibels. I think I’m screwed…
Welcome to ISOALLO and thank you – especially for your no Madonna spin 😉
I’m at a wedding this weekend and some friends have come along with their 8 week old. It’s nice to watch them at work and see how much they so obviously adore their little one. It just adds to our own excitement. Who cares about stinky nappies, dirty bottoms and snotty noses when you get to experience this part of life… I’m looking forward to it and the end of One Born Every Minute!
Lol. Thank you! The due date is November 12 so not long now. I’m looking forward to getting in some additional writing and blogging time at 2am, 4am and 6am. Can’t wait! Seriously, it will be very special and I have a few more fatherhood posts coming up so hopefully you’ll be back here giving me more wise words. Thanks again 🙂
My husband only realised when the OBGYN said – this baby is coming any day now. He went white. I’m looking forward to hearing more of you funny ‘Dad’ blog posts now.
Thanks – sure there will be plenty more to follow! Have had a few panics myself, mainly related to nappy changing in front of an audience and trying to stop our son from constantly headbutting me when testing out his new-found neck strength!