I knew I’d outstayed my welcome but I couldn’t leave, even if I’d wanted to.
It was a perfect Spring day. After weeks of persistent rain and wind, the sun shone and the sky was a brilliant cloudless blue. In the early morning, I’d put up gazebos, hung paper lanterns and laid out plastic chairs. Tables draped in reds and whites were laden with baby shower presents, bowls of fruit punch, and plates of tiny pink and blue cupcakes. In the kitchen, meat pies and sausage rolls cooked in the oven and, in the bedroom, my wife’s sisters put the finishing touches to party games and tokens of appreciation.
The guests would soon arrive and mingle on the freshly mown grass cut to within an inch of its life not two hours before. Gifts would be given and gossip shared. My work was done and I had a window of opportunity in which to disappear and leave the women to their party. This was a baby shower after all and the rules of society had me banned from setting foot within a hundred yards of the house once the festivities were underway.
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| Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons (A Baked Creation) |
My moment of escape came and went.
Instead of grabbing my car keys and making a break for freedom, I answered the front door and greeted two early arrivals. I found myself back in the kitchen making polite conversation. I answered the door again and welcomed three more. I helped serve some food and tidied away the rubbish. Put more pies in the oven, re-arranged cakes on trays.
The guests kept arriving. I smiled, I chatted, I caught up on their news. We laughed, we cried, we talked about babies. “No, I haven’t figured out how the breast pump works.” “Yes, I’m looking forward to getting down the gym again.” “Of course we’re considering air and gas but I still prefer epidurals.” The conversation flowed and I doled out more punch, happy to serve and eager to please. I was caught up in the moment, in my element, loving this life, and not in a hurry to leave thank you very much.
“Are you still supposed to be here?” one of the guests suddenly asked, her bleach blonde head tilted to one side, frown set firmly upon a sun-kissed face. The question knocked me clean out of my fruit-punch induced haze. Left sprawling in a pool of reality, the penny dropped and my baby shower bubble burst. I shouldn’t really be here, should I? This is for ladies only. A man-free event.
“Erm… sure… I’m just… you know… welcoming people to the baby shower and… well… catching up with old friends,” I managed to say. “I’m leaving shortly. Just got to gather my things. Won’t be long.” I felt several pairs of eyes on my back as I put down my punch.
My wife tried to rescue me from my inquisitor. “It’s okay Russ. Stay if you like. You don’t have to go.” But I did. I needed to leave. I had to leave. I knew it deep down in the bones of my newly minted metrosexual body. I had to break free from this incredible fun. From these wonderful, blissful, perfectly delightful baby shower moments and resume my regular role as husband, man, non-invitee.
Of course, I couldn’t leave until I’d found the bloody dog lead. Where had I put it? As I hunted high and low, I was cornered by a friend from my university days who insisted on reminiscing about the life and times of our alcohol-ridden student life. The eyes on my back turned into many sharp daggers and started to stab and stab. I tried to carry on the conversation, acutely aware that the clock was ticking and I should be well on my way.
“Still here Russ?” one of my wife’s workmates called out as she walked past me into the garden. “Shouldn’t you be out with some of your man friends?”
I squirmed where I stood and a bead of sweat worked its way down my back and into my underpants. I wanted to be anywhere but here. The beach, the city, out of the country, in another continent, maybe the UK. In fact, I’d heard that Travelodge offer great rooms in Manchester at this time of year. It was time to get out of dodge… and fast.
Mumbling a feeble excuse, I snuck off to the car, male ego slightly bruised but for the most part intact. I took my dog to the beach, grabbing a coffee on the way, and played ball on the sand dunes for hours. Afterwards, I headed home to help with the party clean-up. I couldn’t exactly leave my heavily pregnant wife to the task alone.
As I pulled into the driveway, I glanced at the clock on the dash. 4pm. 4pm??? I’d only be gone one hour?!! The party was still in full swing and I’d come back far too early. I decided to hide in the house, keep a low profile, try to blend into the background.
I crept into the living room and put the dog into his bed. I had to place the car keys on the hook in the kitchen, then I could retire to the bedroom and read a good book. Crouched down low enough to keep my head below the kitchen window and hidden from any wayward glance by a guest, I heard someone point out that the dog was on the back deck. No, now he was in the garden eating scraps off someone’s plate.
“Russ? Are you back already? Are you there?” my wife called out.
Panic gripped me like an oh-so-manly vice but I straightened up and walked meekly onto the back deck with the condemned air of a suspect caught with his trousers down. A dozen pair of eyes tracked me. Twelve women judged me. The verdict was given and I was (almost) unanimously found guilty. I’d returned to the scene of the crime and committed the crime once again. I was a man at a baby shower, the one place a man is not allowed to be.
Then, like an angel sent express post from the gods, my good friend Nick, one of the guest’s husbands, sauntered into the backyard. Another wolf to the slaughter, another man well out of his depth. “Hey Russ, thought I’d stop by and pick up Sammy. Any chance of a cold beer?” he called out.
And with those few beautiful words, those expertly delivered lines, any crisis was averted and my panic was abruptly over. After which, I cracked a couple of cold ones and we went and watched the footy.
So… the big debate…. Should baby showers be the sole preserve of women or should men also be allowed to get in on the act? Or should we be doing something else?
Do share below.
Bah!!! Convention’s overrated – the opinion other people have of you is their problem, not yours… you helped make the baby, no reason why you shouldn’t be involved. Is that an Aussie social rule? I’ve been to baby showers in the UK where both sexes attended.
Awww you poor manly thing you. You can hang around the baby shower if you want to, I’m pretty sure your wife thought it was funny, and learning how to use the breast pump could be helpful in the long run. x
Appreciate the sympathy. Yes, she had a good laugh at my discomfort, especially when they invited me down to sit amongst them and watch the gift unwrapping – and even asked me to unwrap a couple myself. At that point, I had to slip away.
Breast pumps are amazing little things. Feel so much more knowledgeable about it all now 😉
Absolutely! Yes, perhaps it is an Aussie social rule – things are more ‘traditional’ here regarding the male and female roles. That said, I was invited to a ‘joint’ shower recently so it does happen here.
It’s true. I have learnt from my brother and his wife in Australia that the divisions between the sexes are still more sharply defined in terms of their social roles. Your post was delightful though and really made me laugh! I attended a baby shower in Jamaica recently though, and there were two men there (including the husband). They seemed quite comfortable joining in with all the frivolities. P.S. In my view, breast pumps are over-rated. i could never get the hang of the thing, and soon abandoned it… Lovely, lovely post!
I didn’t have a baby shower, although I did have a group of (women) friends over for a blessing day. And my partner wasn’t allowed. I don’t know what it is with late pregnancy, but it it does become a man-free zone. Although I don’t remember my partner ever being happy about it. What do you need your mother at the birth for? he wondered, genuinely perplexed 🙂
Lol. Thankfully, my mother-in-law hasn’t asked to be present at the birth but my response would likely be “ummm, no”! Man-free zones have to end sooner or later 😉
They certainly are, which can be a good and a bad thing. I’m glad I got a laugh out of you with this one – believe me, it was a funny day in more ways than one. You see, if they’re doing the man shower in Jamaica, why can’t we set a trend over here?! I think there’s hope for us menfolk yet. Love that you loved it. You’re welcome back here any time, Emma 🙂
PS. Once you’ve had a few glasses of fruit punch, the breast pump becomes a whole lot easier to figure out 😉
I feel your pain, but also appreciate the interesting perspective of a peek into Australian culture. Husband and I had a joint (coed) baby shower before Son’s birth, and the latter turns 20 on Saturday! It was more of a party than a shower, none of the silly games and so on. We also had a coed bachelor/bachelorette bash that has gone down in history as one of the best. parties. ever. I’ve also attended female only showers, but in just about every case the father-to-be would have been more than welcome to join in. It’s the 21st century, surely it’s time for some (many?) of the stereotypes to go 😉
Russell, really enjoyed this post! I’ve certainly been in similar situations and it’s always a relief to find someone to commiserate with/down some beers…
Ah, I see you don’t understand either. Never mind, you probably never will, and that’s ok!
Thanks, Adam. Always happy to please 🙂 Yes, timing was everything and the relief was palpable! (and the beer tasted very good)
Haha, turning a blind eye to it all?
You were a bit of a party animal in your time by the sounds of things, Linda. I like the sound of the coed thing. Here and in the UK, guys tend to ‘wet the baby’s head’ when the little one is born (basically, they go out and have a few beers to celebrate while the mother is recuperating in hospital!). I’m seeing more of the joint parties, particularly showers, but they’re not too common. Thanks for feeling my pain 🙂
I recently went to a great baby shower where the couple hosted it together for family and friends at Moo Burgers in Manly. They put out sheets of paper and crafty stuff to have guests make pages for a baby album. And you know what – the GUYS loved it! I guess crafting + beer > beer by itself. It was a hit with everyone.
Hey Colette, I know Moo Burgers well. Great location and great concept – get the guys involved and make them a part of it! Might have to get my buddies doing a little crafting over beer sometime soon 😉
Can just picture the scene and can feel your embarassment. I think it’s more to do with the fact that at baby showers women feel that they can talk about all the gory bits of childbirth and baby days (not that it’s always in the best interests of the new Mum). It’s a bit like a de-briefing session for old Mums as well as an information gathering event for the new Mum. If The Man or Men are around, perhaps women feel they have to tone things down a bit – men are prone to coming over all queasy!!
Lol. Thanks Jo. Yes, there were a few conversations that got a bit close to the wire in terms of too much detail for this dad-to-be. I had to find a few quick ways/distractions to excuse myself but it as all meant with the best intentions. Great experience and, yes, I have recently found that I’m a tad prone to coming over all queasy 😉
Ohh what a laugh. My fav line is ‘in my element, loving this life, and not in a hurry to leave thank you very much’… Ha ha ha ha. IMO, men should be welcome and encouraged to attend.
Lol. Glad you liked it. I was completely at home once I got going 😉