This week, I received emails from several readers of this blog. The authors shared similar views, which went something like this:
- they admired my life overseas and felt it was a near-perfect and carefree idyll
- they were either considering a similar move or were about to emigrate soon
- they were excited about the prospect of change and I’d helped reinforce their decisions along the way.
I was thrilled that they’d written to me and compelled to write back positively, encouraging and urging them on with their hopes and their dreams. But I also felt drawn to absolute honesty even though I sensed it wasn’t what they wanted to hear.
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| Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons (Pauli Antero) |
Honesty is the best policy
Lately, I’ve had conversations with a number of fellow expats, ex-Brits, new Aussie citizens, call them what you will, but the same issues have cropped up in these conversations each time.
Whilst they wouldn’t change their lives, ever grateful for the opportunities to travel and establish a base someplace else, things aren’t always as rosy as they might appear. The folks I spoke to were happy and hopeful for the future, but certain issues kept niggling away at their day-to-day living. I wanted to share some of their experiences with you.
It’s not always easy to be entirely truthful in blogs about expat life when we have the kind of audiences that we’re fortunate to have and when we generally want to share the best bits with you. But sometimes it pays to be sincere, especially if you’re the one about to emigrate overseas or you’re daydreaming about a possible move, and a dose of full disclosure could be the most useful thing you’ve received all day.
What I think you want to hear
You read about my life – and the lives of others like me – and you want to learn more about what makes these lives seem so appealing.
You want to hear about the highs of living abroad, from the near perfect weather to the beachside living. You want to hear about the comparably low cost of living, the booming property market, the plentiful job opportunities, the endless outdoors activities, superior schooling and accessible health care, and the ease with setting up an international bank account or gaining a mortgage in the country of your choice.
You want to hear that life in another country, on another continent, is immeasurably better than the life you could be leaving behind. You want to know that the possibilities are boundless, that the idea of picking up and trying something out of the ordinary will improve your life, not make it worse.
Living in another country can be everything you want it to be and more. In the past nine years, my life has improved beyond measure and I owe a large part of this to my decision to pack up and try something different. But my life is far from perfect and I wouldn’t want you to think that it was.
A coin has two sides
A common theme that came up in the conversations with my fellow expats was the family issue. Quite simply, they miss them. They see each other once a week on Skype. They go for months without physical contact. They sometimes feel like they’re starting to drift apart.
They return home for a visit, excitedly sharing over Facebook how happy they are and how good it is to be with family, how they’ve missed everyone and how they intend to keep them close. Then, as the visit draws to a close, the mood changes. Tears are fought back and it’s goodbye, not knowing when they’ll see each other again. Jo Castro, a British expat living in Western Australia who writes at Zigazag, will be guest posting next week on the emotional roller coaster of living away from friends and family.
Another issue that came up in conversation is the feeling of isolation when they return to their new home. Often, the people around them feel like strangers, when only weeks before they were exciting new friends. One friend from the U.S. said he finds fault with the people he comes into contact with and he regularly mourns those well-known faces that he’s recently left behind.
For others, the news suddenly seems foreign and conversation at a social spot like the local coffee shop becomes stilted and uncomfortable. The ease with which they spoke with close friends in the motherland not two weeks before has gone, replaced by lingering doubt and unease.
Interestingly, everyone I’ve spoken to realised something else. While they might have been ‘living the dream’, they soon noticed that a large part of their day-to-day life was not the perfect idyll they expected. In fact, it wasn’t that different to the one they’d left behind. On the surface, their lives had fundamentally changed – they now spent weekends at the beach or sailing on the water, hiking in the bush or enjoying seafood near the harbour – but their weekly routine hadn’t.
They still went to work each day, sat in snarling traffic jams, and fought the daily stresses of workload and office politics. In a couple of cases, they’d settled for a career or role that was inferior to the one they’d resigned from back home in the desperate push to get out here. They’d expected everything to change but, in reality, some habits and routines would always stay the same. Some had found that they’d initially settled for less in their attempts to gain more and all of this was taking a bit of getting used to.
These are hard truths, they’re not necessarily my truths, but I feel that they need to be put out there all the same. What do you think?
Are there things you wish you’d known sooner about living away from home? Have you been guilty of not sharing the whole truth about life in another country? With hindsight, what are some of the things you should have told others about?
So true Russell. All too often our lives overseas are perceived as a beach and barbie lifestyle without a worry in the world. Your post very clearly paints a new life abroad for what it is, and everyone should have their eyes wide open before they plan an international, long term move. As with most things in life, there are good things and bad things – what I know for sure after 11 international moves is that there is no Utopia.
The problem is that people often focus on the destination, not what they’re going to do after they get there. Life isn’t supposed to be a perpetual holiday.
Agreed. And life goes on. The honeymoon ends and reality kicks in. It’s worth thinking about what comes next.
Thanks, Jo. I hope so. Moving abroad is so much more than just the sun and sea (in Australia’s case) and it’s good to look beyond that and consider the day-to-day. That said, you can change the 9-5 routine in some cases but, as you say, don’t expect Utopia.
That’s exactly what I’ve experienced Jack. I remember when I moved to live in Australia at first I thought it was brilliant until I had to work in the heat of summer. It’s a lot easier lying by the pool in an Australian summer than it has having cold showers to cool you down before client meetings!
I love your post Russell, and I feel there isn’t enough honest and sincere accounts of moving/living abroad out there. I think it helps people to know that when things aren’t as great as they thought they would be, that they are not the only ones who experience this.
I also think that sometimes dreaming of living abroad in a new and exciting country is a form of escapism, like alcohol and drugs are. And then actually moving abroad can be like running away from our problems because they are too hard to deal with. I have learnt that lesson in the past!
And yes I have been guilty of sharing that things are better than they are, because it feels like it is expected of you when you go on your living-abroad-adventure!
This is a very honest post Russell. I think another truth people don’t think of is that when you have lived as an expat ‘home’ is never quite how you left it. Things change and people move on. I’m not saying you get forgotten but you become very aware that everyone’s world (at home) goes on without you, and you are far less involved in the lives of people you may have been very involved with before you moved away, which can be difficult for some people.
I felt the same way when I lived in Australia – people assumed I was on holidays for the better part of 10 years. A common thought seems to be, “Why not live where I love to vacation?”. It’s true that, sometimes, it works better to live where you live, and travel to where you want to vacation.
I also found that, for myself and a number of my friends, having kids changes everything. We grew up with family and felt quite comfortable moving overseas as young adults. But it can feel very isolating having a baby with no close friends or family nearby. And babies don’t get to know their families as well on Skype or by phone. After a few trips with a baby between Australia and Canada, I knew that I wanted to raise my kids closer to home – at least for now.
You can build a “family” for your child, and for some people this works beautifully. But for me, it just wasn’t the same.
And it’s so true that we tend to find fault with people and places when our hearts are telling us to consider living elsewhere.
I think this article holds true for lots of blogging communities – be it the expat one, a healthy living blog, a mommy blog, etc. It’s become far too easy for blogs to perpetuate myths about how sunny life is and gloss over the tough stuff.
When we made the decision to move abroad (US to UK), I was terrified. I had no idea what to expect of our new life once the initial holiday feeling passed. But to me, the unknown was better than regret.
It’s one of the reasons I blogged about really quotidian things like laundry, groceries, and healthcare on my expat blog because I felt like I needed to ground the “sunny” travel posts.
Tis true, Vix. The flip side of the coin is that you can lay by the pool after client meetings! Always two sides but I hope I managed to show the less-than-perfect.
Thanks Liv. Someone said the same thing to me the other day, in that they felt they had changed and so had their original home. Now they were finding it hard to connect or return. I hear less from my UK friends but I still hope that we could always pick up where we left if I see them again, although they have moved on. Thanks for sharing this one.
Hey Anne Taite, absolutely agree. It’s like the Facebook phenomenon in that people generally only share the best bits so you get a skewed sense of their lives (i.e. it’s not real!). Good on you too for sharing the more mundane things in your life and not just the sunny. I’m sorry that I missed your blog first time around as I can see you’re now back in the US. Where were you based in England?
I wonder if some of the issues you felt living here may surface for us, although my wife is from Australia and we have her family nearby. Still, it will always be tricky our kids between the two countries. Completely understand why you had to move on. I have friends who regularly Skype with their parents… their three year-old therefore knows and recognises its grandparents mainly by Skype and had trouble dealing with them face-to-face when they visited in person!
Thanks Carrie. I want – and try – to aim for a bit more balance on ISOALLO because I’m like you in that I want more honesty, even if it feels too real. I don’t want to feel like I’m being conned by tales of life under the sun when I know it sometimes rains! Interesting lesson you’ve experienced. I have to admit I’ve probably done the same in the past and didn’t gain from it.
A few people have commented to me about expectations from people at home when it comes to living abroad – it’s an interesting angle that could be good for a future post. So thanks! 🙂
Great article!
My two cents? Well, I think its important to be honest to anyone who asks you for your advice, in any situation. When it comes to being an expat, though, it really is all about perspective and individual experiences. I’ve been an expat for almost 7 years (US – Spain) and I’ve rarely felt a bit of homesickness in that time. I miss my family, of course, but I adjusted fairly well to my new life (still have my moments though!). On the other hand, I’ve met a ton of other expats who have a hard time adjusting to a new city/new life and spend a lot of time complaining about how different it is here.
I think it’s important to not only be honest about the bad parts and the good parts of expat living, but also highlight the fact that people deal with the situation differently, you know? As a experienced expat, people may look to you for advice, but you have to tread carefully, because different people tolerate things differently.
I know what you mean, Hamatha. Some people continually struggle with the dilemma of being split between two places and others simply accept their new life and move on with relative ease. It’s why I enjoy writing about this stuff because of the different perspectives and issues that come up in the subsequent conversations. Thanks for your two cents worth! 🙂
Hi! Thanks for your reply. I did find that a lot of my peer expat bloggers (the young married set) spent a lot of time filling their blog with amazing travel photos or pics strolling the streets of London, but only occasionally posted a “I’m having a rough go of booking flights to see my sister’s graduation; or it sucks that it hasn’t peaked over 50 degrees Fahrenheit in 8 months.” I’m sure I was just as guilty at times, but I tried to keep my blog (www.jumpedthepond.com) a little more real. Thanks for doing the same over here!
Absolutely. It wouldn’t feel ‘real’ enough if I didn’t. Thanks for sharing the link – will revisit it for a look at some of your past experiences. Hope your ‘repat’ experiences are working out well for you too 🙂
Very food text, Russell. I’m working on a book myself about being a Romanian immigrant in Spain (not the ideal combination, I know).
Thanks for the thoughts, they’ve touched my soul.
Anytime, Valentina, and glad it was helpful for you. Look forward to hearing more about your book – when do you anticipate a publication date?
I have travelled to England when I was 18. I stayed for two months and loved every minute of it. Now that we live in a Motorhome, and never ever plan to move back into a house, I wished that someone had told me years ago how much better it would be compared to the norm! And I also wished someone had told me to get a Bigger Motorhome considering how many kids we have still living with us 🙂
Lol. I bet. And I’m sure you’re busy telling people how great this particular way of life is, as you wish you’d been told yourself all those years ago!
Great post Russell. I remember reading this in a cab somewhere (probably going to or from Heathrow – it’s been a busy month!) and having so many comments in mind I didn’t know where to start. So what is my two-sided coin?
Side one: many of those I ‘left behind’ seemed to only want hear about the great stuff, losing interest as soon as the tales from abroad weren’t glossy and a glowing vindication (for them) of why I left. And life was not glossy for a few years. It was challenging: both financially and emotionally draining. So these people dropped out of the circle as I refused to allow my life to beome a sideshow for their vicarious entertainment.
And the other side of the coin was with those who loved me enough to trust my decision yet decried my struggle with all of those challenges they couldn’t be there for, perhaps not understanding why I stayed and persevered. The love was still there but not always the connectedness. When asked when I would come home, the hardest, but honest answer to give was always, my home is London. And (even now) I don’t feel like I will live in Australia again. Not an easy reply to understand because there is no explanation for the connections of one’s spirit. But above all things, I value honesty with those closest to me and I couldn’t live with lying to them about this.
Life is a funny thing and who knows where my future path will take me. I will be in Melbourne with family this Christmas (2 years since the last visit) so will enjoy the festivities and gather my fair share of hugs.
And then I will look forward to coming home again.
Thanks, Kym. Hope December is an easier month for you!
Hmmm, that thorny issue of ‘home’ always causes issues for loved ones. I readily call Sydney my home because it’s where I’ve established a home for my family but then I catch myself referring to the UK as my home and I get annoyed. I feel like I’m betraying the place that I currently live in. Not an easy one to reconcile with loved ones when they can’t or won’t understand. I also have a mantra of ‘never say never’. I may return. I may not. But I’ll do it on my terms and for my (and my family’s) own reasons. And then I may wonder why I left my home to return home! Anyway, I hope you have a brilliant Xmas over here at the very least 🙂
I think it’s easy to forget that there will never be the perfect place or the perfect life. Every place is different and there are always tradeoffs, and advantages/disadvantages specific to each individual place. I often have to remind myself of this, especially when I notice that I miss something from my own culture. That’s a reminder to me that nothing is perfect, and also helps me remember to appreciate something about the current place I call home.
Absolutely, Heather. One size doesn’t fit all and I believe the differences should be embraced rather than complained about or compared to a previous home.
I don’t think I have been dishonest with people thinking of moving to USA from Britain like I did – I share it warts and all. I do think like you say that people think moving abroad is some kind of miracle cure to their ills and it isn’t always so. A friend moved from Ireland to Perth and loved some parts of it but in the end got homesick and is now moving back – so the grass is not always greener and some people will find when they move abroad that they should actually have stayed where they are!!
I know friends like that too, Emma. I knew a family that were desperate to leave the UK, who moved to NZ, and then returned six months later because it wasn’t for them. It turns out there were underlying problems that led to the original move so it wasn’t necessarily the fault of their new location but still. Warts and all is the best policy in my mind!