Remember the book Marley & Me?
A young couple, John and Jen, move to the south of Florida and set up home near the beach while working as two local reporters. They get a dog as a practice run for parenthood and Marley the yellow labrador retriever arrives on the scene causing destruction and chaos wherever he goes. Later in the book, the couple have children and the family eventually moves to a rural farm in Pennsylvania where, after falling ill some years later, Marley is put to sleep and laid to rest.
It’s a heart-warming and tender story.
On reflection, the parts that resonated with me weren’t just Marley’s journey through his short canine life, but also the contrast between the couple’s early life with the sun, sea, and hustle and bustle of Boca Raton, and their eventual relocation to a quieter, more tranquil country setting.
In their Florida life, they spent long days on the beach with Marley, soaking up the glorious weather but also working hard as two early career professionals, crammed into a house that quickly grew too small for their family’s needs. They lived in the thick of it, young and adventurous, and I look at our own life here in Sydney as we grow our small family, and I wonder if parallels can be made.
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| Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons (Mel1st) |
Like them, we live in a lively and active corner of the world. We enjoy a fantastic environment on the ocean’s doorstep with near-perfect weather all year round. We appreciate the vibrancy and youthfulness of Sydney, and we practically live outdoors, barely watching the TV, always eager to get outside.
We’re witness to a robust and thriving economy. Wages are high even if the cost of living is also. We’re lucky to live where we do and our hard work to make a home for ourselves on the Northern Beaches is starting to pay off. We have friends and family here, established routines and practices. Our son will grow up spoilt for distraction and it seems obvious that this location is a sensible place for us to be.
But a part of me wonders if, like Marley & Me, this story of ours will one day change.
Marley’s family expanded and they yearned for greater space. They needed peace and quiet away from the intense, hectic early years of their life. They sought out a gentler, less pressured existence and I wonder whether we should now consider the same.
I’m soon to celebrate my tenth year of expat life.
Ten years is a long time to be abroad. It’s long enough that you start to feel comfortable with being displaced and less comfortable with the notion of returning to your original home. Still, I occasionally allow myself to daydream about what life could be like if we ever went back.
As John and Jen did, I imagine a life in the country. I see my son in his uniform ready for the first day at his village primary school. I see us reconnecting with dear family and friends, returning to the favourite haunts of our twenties. I see walks in the countryside, annual ski trips to the continent, weekend getaways in London. I see us experiencing the different seasons in a picture-postcard kind of way – be it enjoying the spring blossoms, sampling lazy picnics in the peak of summer, Elliot’s attempts at ‘trick or treating’ in the autumn, or relaxing as a family by warm and cosy firesides through idyllic winters.
I see our home – a period house oozing with character and charm on the outskirts of a quaint English village. I see us arriving in the warmer months, settling in to our new environment, sitting down at a large kitchen table, carefully arranging the utilities, car purchases, home insurance, household finances and so on. Life moves forward and, as we ease ourselves into a very English way of life, I see a quiet, regular existence. Nothing extraordinary. Simple. Easy. Routine.
Something niggles away at the back of my mind.
I’ve been away a long time and I know, deep down, that I’ve changed as a person. I’m fairly certain this life won’t make me happy – living abroad has shifted my outlook on life, changed what I want and what I appreciate. I’ve seen and done too much, and I can’t settle for this dream anymore. These memories of home aren’t even real any more – I’m remembering what I want to through rose-tinted glasses.
After ten years abroad, I’ve grown comfortable with this expat life, wearing it like a much-loved jumper or a treasured pair of shoes. Packing up, removals, relocation, upheaval – these are emotionally and physically draining things and, with age, I want simplicity, easy living, and a heck of a lot less stress.
Unlike John and Jen, I don’t think I need any more change. My heart might occassionally encourage thoughts of a possible return, but my mind tells me things are no longer quite what they seem.
Have you considered a return home? Did you do it? If not, why not and what stopped you?
Great article Russell! I feel for what you are saying having done similar to you by living away but always wondering what life was like back home and missing my family. I loved my expat life and would probably still be there if it hadn’t been cut short by my dads terminal illness and so I chose to come home and be with my family. Although I dont have children, I also wanted that quieter lifestyle and dreams of the village lifestyle (although mine was nearer the coast). I have returned to the town that I once couldn’t wait to get away from and have seen it in a different light and now make the best of what I have got and having been away, I have learnt to appreciate the things closest to me and am content with my (quieter) life. I think when you are away you do see things through rose-tinted glasses and you remember the good and not the bad so much but every country or place has its issues, they are just different sometimes.
We’ve been on on the road for 13 years now and I no longer yearn for home. I yearn to move, but I don’t yearn to move home. I think the biggest change for us was when we bought a little beach house in Australia, I suddenly felt like we had our little piece of home that was there for us if we needed it. The itch was scratched. We now return “home” each June to escape the harsh summer of the Middle East and the children have at least 10 weeks of holiday in Oz where they float between Granny in the country, Grandma in Qld and the beach with friends. It took us 10 years to work out what was going to work for us, but it has been the best decision we’ve ever made. I know this isn’t an option for everyone and we have many friends that don’t “waste” their holidays going home – they like to head off on further adventures, but it definitely works for us.
Methinks you’re dreaming through rose-tinted glasses, young man ;-). Though, I have to say, giving up the expat life (at least for a while), has been very replenishing for us and we don’t even mind the so so weather (the coldest winter for years).
I think we all wear ‘rose-tinted’ glasses from time to time. It’s a bit like being a child and asking over and over again for that extra biscuit and then eventually getting in realising that you are too full and don’t need it. It’s easy for me to think that your life in the sun is fantastic and perhaps easy for you too to reflect on my ‘country house’ existence and imagine a swap. But much like the price of limes in Australia (a blog I was reading recently had the priced at £1.50 for a single lime?!), there is good and bad about everything and everywhere. England (or Scotland as the case may be) does have that ‘country’ life and if you look hard enough, it also has some benefits. However more and more of the UK is something else; generic high streets, new-style houses built in a hurry to a poor standard, drab, grey, expensive. And the weather is constantly miserable. Government policy (on silly things that don’t always make the news) are awful and I have real worries for the next generation who seem to think that the rules don’t apply to them. There is no discipline, no respect and god forbid a parent even threaten to control their child and the words ‘Child Protection’ are shouted from every angle possible. The UK is no longer a ‘nice’ place to bring up a family; indeed I am currently in the process of leaving the UK. Whilst I know there will be lots of unknowns on our adventure, I know without any doubt that my rose-tinted glasses for the UK will be smashed the second we get on that plane. Think long and hard ad remember that life doesn’t often play out like the movies.
Yes, but my vision is a dual life in the US and Turkey, where we get to live in both places. I’m careful now about how I use the word “home” and on my last trip back to the US I never once used the word “visit”. For me it’s crafting the kind of life where I can have both. Is it possible? I’ll let you know.
Make sure you do, Tara. I like the idea of sharing time between two places and not having one ‘home’. Let me know how you get on.
You know me too well, Jack. Need to get those glasses replaced 😉 You must me missing the warmer weather although I’m sure it’s nice to get a taste of the old country once again.
I always thought I’d return home…and then I just got too settled in the UK. Then I became really sad at the idea of never living in my home country again, and after a couple of visits my husband volunteered: ‘let’s retire 6 months of the year there!’ Suddenly all was well again.
Sounds like a common theme here. Those of us that have been away long enough still feel the need to have a place to return to if they need it. So when are you heading back for your 6 months then? 😉
Hey Kelly – thanks! Sounds like you obviously made the right choice to come back home and we both know the town that you couldn’t wait to get away from so I can only imagine what that must have felt like. It’s great to hear you’re looking at things differently now – making the best of it. Thing is, do you think you’d ever give it a go again or is that it for you and does that frighten you at all? Thanks for sharing 🙂
Hi and love the name by the way. I think there’s a travel freak inside all of us! 😉
The things you summarise about the UK are those things that concern me the most. Much as daily life is expensive here and the local news might be a little dull, the conversation not always that deep, Australia (like Canada) is a fairly wholesome place where the kids know respect, it is generally safe on the street, and values and morals (for the most part) remain honest and true. I feel that too many bad habits have crept into the UK which are changing its face so perhaps I dream about how life should be, rather than how it is. Maybe I hold dear to what I’d like it to be like.
I also read that ‘limes’ post and, yes, they are that much sometimes. Crazy, hey? Thanks for stopping by.
I think it’s a perfect solution, Kirsty, I honestly do. You get to spend time back here for the best bits then head back off on your adventure when you’ve gotten your fix and the family have spent time with loved ones. I’m envious. We’ve talked about it ourselves. Find us a little place in the UK and return there for longer holidays when we can. The difference is it wouldn’t be a beach house in Oz, which is kind of special as we both know, and it wouldn’t be cheap (not that beach houses are either). But I can relate to the itch needing to be scratched, that piece of the old country in my back pocket for when I need it. Something to think about for sure.
After decades of living in various foreign countries I no longer feel I
“belong” anywhere. I’ve been gone too long to be able to go “home,” as I
feel like a foreigner there too, having had a life so different from
the people around me there. The place I belong is not a place, but the
company of other expats and travelers. So where do I go to live when
it’s time to quit the roving life?
Where to go indeed? Or maybe you never quit the roving life because, you know what, you actually quite like a move every few years. I wonder if there is pressure to ‘belong’ and that pressure sort of makes us reflect on moving back to a place we were rooted to when really we should just ‘go with the flow’ and enjoy living in the present. I, for one, need to do more of that!
I think about returning home all the time. London does not feel like home although I have been living here for 5 years. I feel comfortable here and I have made a life but it isn’t a place that I would want to ‘settle’ and have kids. I am obviously biased in that I will always think that Canada is a better place to live than the UK but the stats don’t lie and the quality of life is much better there than it is here. When I move is another story but I assume I will make my way home eventually. Until then I still enjoy my life here and am taking advantage of the opportunities London affords.
Sounds like a sensible plan, Melissa. I wonder if the longer you stay there, the greater the excuse you’ll need to return to Canada i.e. you’ll be that little bit more settled, established with friends, and so on? It’s a common dilemma and I’m becoming of the view that we have many homes, not just one. Now I need the extra finances to make it a reality! 😉
I made the move back ‘home’ after being away for 12 years and it hasn’t gone to plan at all. I definitely had a severe case of rose tinted glasses, remembering the good old days when I was a child and teen in the Netherlands (my country of birth). Reality has been different, and being here as an adult has been a different experience to what I imagined it would be like. The only reason I call this place ‘home’ is because my British parents still live here. I think once they move it may no longer feel like home…and would I still call it home? I also feel I am a ‘foreigner’ in both UK and NL. What I have come to realise then is that home is within myself, it is not a country or a nationality. So no matter where I am in the world, I am always going to be home 🙂 it’s the only way I can make sense of it all!
Forgot to say too that I do not regret moving back home even if it didn’t quite work out, because what it has done is satisfy my curiosity and I am an experience ‘richer’. I was in a position to do it, the timing was right and I took the opportunity. If anything it has been a time to re-assess, re-group and re-charge for the next step/adventure 🙂
Lol. What a messed-up bunch we are! Do you think your parents will move one day then? I don’t know how I would feel if I moved back to the UK. Would I have changed too much and it wouldn’t feel right? Or would it have changed itself and I’d have the same problem? You could go mad thinking about this stuff 😉
So where to next? What’s the next adventure for you? (and will it then become your new ‘home’?) I’m glad you have no regrets though. We should never have regrets in this life. Never. Ever.
Well, I am thinking about Scotland next. Travelling round there I fell in love with the countryside, open spaces and rugged mountain ranges. I feel it may well be what I need now (especially as NL is flat, crowded and too fast-paced for me these days). I love the outdoors, walking/hiking in nature in particular, plus it will inspire my creativity and that is what I want to focus more on. I’ll keep you posted! 🙂
Sounds excellent. A bit further afield but also consider a trip to Canada – very similar countryside and arguably ‘slightly’ better weather (in summer!). Keep me posted for sure!
Wow, big move for them after so long. I wish them all the best 🙂