You’re got a nice, safe job. You’ve worked at the same company for years. You’re settled within your role and you know everything there is about what you do. But you’re bored and you daydream. Still, you keep on doing what you do. Then your boss offers you the chance to join a team in a different location. Possibly overseas. After some thought, you politely decline. This isn’t for you. And it’s not as if you could ever move away from family and friends, is it?
Or perhaps you usually holiday for two weeks at a time in trusted, comfortable resorts in safe and prosperous countries. When a friend suggests you join them to travel for longer and further afield, maybe for three months not three weeks, you think about it and you weigh up the pro’s and con’s. Then you choose to let the moment pass. Maybe another time once you’ve more money saved up and the timing’s right because, right now, you’d rather stay home.
Fear. It’s powerful stuff.
It can singlehandedly grab an opportunity in both hands and fling it to one side. It can change the course your life was meant to take with maximum impact and can deprive you of extraordinary experiences.
If you’re comfortable in your own skin and happy to move through life doing exactly what you do, then that’s fine. If a two-week holiday is your thing and the thought of longer-term travel horrifies you, again, that’s okay. Whether it’s travel or career, lifestyle or family, it’s your right to do the things you like in ways that you want to do them.
But If you won’t try something new because you refuse to leave your comfort zone, or if you see change and opportunity in a negative light unless you’re guaranteed the perfect outcome, then I feel sorry for you.
Ultimately you will miss out while others gain.
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Photo credit: Elyce Feliz (Creative Commons) |
Fear of change
In my earlier life in the UK, I was fearful of many things. I feared growing up, getting older, leaving home and having to find my own way. My comfort zone was my family and my home – it was all that I really knew.
As a young boy, my grandmother suggested I visit my relatives in Germany with her. She knew I was a fearful child in need of breaking out of my comfort zone and she had the foresight to try to do something about it.
It was the scariest holiday of my life.
Away from my parents for the first time in my life, I cried and I cried. I played up and I fought my grandmother every step of the way. I was a miserable little wretch and my relatives remind me of it to this day. But by the end of the trip, I was a different child. I was braver, more interested by my environment, closer to my grandmother, and I’d learned, at a young age, how to stand on my own two feet outside of my comfort zone.
Whatever it was that I’d feared turned out to be nothing to be fearful of.
Fear of the unknown
Large numbers of British teenagers leave home every year to attend university across the length and breadth of the island.
I didn’t attend the university I wanted to. With unexpectedly poor grades, I lost out on my first choice and had to settle for a university not of my original choosing. It was a cruel blow after previous strong academic performances and so I picked a university in the Midlands, a fair way from home.
I had no idea what I was letting myself in for, all my initial plans flung out in the wind. And, with that, I headed in the direction of Coventry, bags packed and a month’s worth of food stored in cardboard boxes. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this moment in time, unsure of what to expect, but I knew I had to go with it, that this change would turn out to be a positive thing and I needed to embrace this fear of the unknown.
And the result? Five academically-challenging years of shandy-drinking adventure and a broad group of friends for life.
My fears of the unknown were unfounded.
Fear of taking a risk
To move abroad, we resigned from our jobs, gave up the associated perks – company cars, pensions, shares, security – sold our house and traded in a comfortable life for an uncertain future.
People thought we were crazy and told us so. Who would do such a thing and why? It was indeed a risk on a grand scale but we knew we would have regrets if we chose to stay behind. Even if a life lived abroad didn’t work out, I’d rather have tried instead of spending a lifetime wondering what might have been.
In the coming weeks, I’ll be launching a writing business, The International Writer, and hope to share more with you here. Starting a new business is virgin territory for me and the learning curve is already steep. It’s a risk but it feels right and, anyway, what’s the worst that can happen? If it doesn’t work out, I go back to doing what I did before.
Last week, someone told me they gave up their job as a lawyer with just one week’s notice and booked a one-way ticket to Vietnam. What a crazy thing to do – no future certainty, a career in tatters and a life on the road doing who knows what.
Three weeks into their trip and this person knew they’d never felt happier or freer in their life. They had faced up to their fears, realising all too soon that they should have been more fearful of living a life they weren’t entirely passionate about, rather than fearing what would happen and what people might think if they quit their job and left. They had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
And they’ve been gaining life experiences ever since.
Did you fight your fears in moving abroad, starting a new job, trying something different? Do you feel that you had nothing to lose and everything to gain? Do you know people who have struggled to fight their fears?
A week ago, I ran a competition to win five copies of Dominic Knight’s Man Vs Child. Picked at random, the five winners are Wren, Liene, Patricia Elizabeth Dolan, Carrie and Martin Joyce. Send a quick email to [email protected] and I’ll get your e-copy sent out right away.
In other news, join myself, @HyattPR and other travel and expat bloggers this Thursday, Sept 26 at 8PM AEST (11AM UK) for a ‘Seamless Travel’ chat where you can get travel tips and win prizes. Join the chat on Twitter by following the hashtag: #HyattWLFG
You’ve hit the nail on the head there, Russell. I’ve travelled extensively but had never lived outside the UK till last year, when our family relocated to Qatar – which provides something of a daily contrast to my ‘old life’. We wanted to give our kids the chances you refer in your account of going to Germany – gaining insight into other cultures and understanding that there’s a whole world out there which can take you anywhere…if you let it.
I’ve blogged myself about the role fear played in our decision to move abroad. In it I referenced a Ben Folds Five song, Do It Anyway, that came out around the time of our move, and which became a kind of mantra for me. As the song says, “If you’re paralyzed by a voice in your head / It’s the standing still that should be scaring you instead.”
It basically came down to: I’d rather regret things I did, than things I didn’t do – so here we are. Great post.
Definitely a great tactic. Personally I like the post.
Thanks. Pleased you liked it π
Oh yes, I can relate to what you’ve written in this great post. Fear seems to pop up every time I make a decision! These days I use meditation/breathing exercises and little affirmations (eg choosing love over fear) to help me whenever this happens, because I don’t want to get stuck in indecision, or like you say, miss out on opportunities and experiences. Sometimes I do better than other times π
My mum has always said to me that you can make decision to make another decision and if it doesn’t work out make another decision, and so forth. That has helped too when looking at the ‘bigger’ decisions like moving to another country. And somewhere else I read about not labelling/judging decisions as big or small, but just regarding them as decisions, because that way they seem less scary when it’s about moving countries or jobs etc.
It’s all a learning curve, isn’t it?
PS Thrilled to be one of the winners of the e-book!
Thanks, Nat. Great that you could relate to the post. By the way, what an excellent mantra to live by – I do think we need these things, especially when the going gets tough or doubt creeps in.
Your last sentence is the most telling and one I live by every day. I remember a close family relative would often remind me of the many things I’d tried but that had ultimately ended in failure and largely because I’d realised that the particular “thing” wasn’t right for me. I started to wonder if I had a problem starting things that didn’t always succeed. Now I look back and realise the relative was wrong because I had to try these things rather than regret not doing so. And I’ve learned and grown as a person from doing so – and had the most wonderful experiences along the way.
Thanks for reminding me of this and thanks for stopping by and sharing your own story. Feel free to share your blog URL here if you like and hope to see you over here again soon π
Fight it, Carrie, fight it! As Nat rightly says below, indecision and paralysis from fear should frighten you more than the act of jumping in and taking action. That said, breathing exercises and affirmations are great. Have you also tried CBT? Lots of great exercises online.
Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with decisions, particularly as I got older and more settled in my life. And I’m notoriously indecisive by nature. So a lot of what I do is based on gut feel – if it feels right, I’ll try it. And then learn from the experience. But I think not labelling the decision as big or small is great advice. And, yep, just keep on learning from it all.
Congrats on the win and I hope you enjoy the book π
Right there with you, Russell. I’ve always been relatively comfortable shaking things up career-wise, and have been well rewarded for a willingness to try something new and challenging. Leaving the Washington DC area on the cusp of the pinnacle of my chosen career was a big leap of faith – so many people couldn’t fathom doing so – but it was a great opportunity for Husband, included the draw of building a different life, and proving to myself I could ultimately thrive anywhere. The changes haven’t stopped rolling in (moving overseas, total career change, unexpected repatriation). One thing I know for sure, there are more adventures on the horizon.
Yeah indecision is a land I don’t want to live in. Been there, done that, thrown away the t-shirt, and no need for a new one thank you very much!
CBT didn’t really work for me, but SFBT has (solution-focused brief therapy) which I am trained in as well. I have a great toolbox of things that help and it’s always expanding. Everyone is different with what works, so finding what works for you is key. And that means finding out what doesn’t work too. π
I also rely on gut feel or intuition to make decisions. I definitely learn from experiences, especially from so-called failures. No such thing as failure, really, just learnings and teachings and experience.
Thanks! π
Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you tried – this is pretty much my mantra. I actually think taking a job in a new country (a transfer say) is a nice half way house in terms of getting out and seeing the world. I still work Monday to Friday, 9-5, but I’ve lived in 5 countries in less than four years, enjoyed making lots of new friends, have learned a billion things about life and the universe (including what I want/need) That first step is the scariest, but the moment you say yes it all becomes a whole lot easier
I think it’s a question of attitude, Russell – and yours sounds spot on. Another factor that might propel action in the face of fear is being aware that time is so fleeting.
When we were prepping / researching for our move abroad, we read a comment somewhere that summed it up perfectly for us: ‘Planes go both ways’. If you try something and it doesn’t work out, so what?
Thanks for the invitation: my tales of adjusting to life as newbie expats in the desert can be found at http://littlecityblog.wordpress.com
Absolutely, Nat. We have just one life on this planet and need to savour every minute and make the most of it. Thanks for sharing the blog link. Didn’t think I’d seen it before so will have a good read now. Cheers!
Not heard of SFBT before but it sounds interesting. And you’re trained in it too? I agree – no such thing as a failure, just a lesson learned π
Totally. Saying yes is the hardest step. And five countries in less than four years? Wow. Good effort and I hope you’ve enjoyed every step of the way. Getting a transfer is a great way to see the world and hopefully having someone else take care of the logistics. Where to next for you then?!
Hello friend! Yours was a brave decision indeed, knowing where you were in your career and how much you gave up but ultimately gained. Both having government backgrounds, I understand what that would have been like and felt like, and no doubt there was some opposition to the move from friends, neighbours and family? I think you well and truly thrived in the Netherlands and I look forward to hearing of more adventures soon π
We just arrived in South Africa, about a month ago, so I’m hoping we’ll be here for a while yet. That said, the boss keeps mentioning Tanzania, so you can never be too sure! It doesn’t seem to matter any more though – like you said, you get over the fear and it all becomes rather easy.
Yes, I am a qualified hypnotherapist and I did extra training in SFBT because I felt the tools were beneficial. Basically it comes down to focusing on solutions and not dwelling on problems. And the idea is that the client has all the answers inside already, the therapist is just there to guide/coax the answers out, and more importantly it is brief – no going to therapy for months/years, instead it’s weeks! π
Hi Russell
Thank you for a great post. I’ve been thinking about it all day hence being a little tardy in my response.
Our family move a lot. We do not generally fear change, however I would be in a blind panic to think that things would stay the same – I have always said about Australia, that if this ends up being our forever then wow how lucky are we? But tell me now that this is for the rest of my life and I’m not a happy bunny. I would give our family 4/5 for ability to cope with the fear of change.
Ditto with the fear of the unknown – we cope quite well with this, even relish not knowing. Over the past 20 years of corporate relocations it is more normal to be living with a possibility of moving country than not.
The way I have learnt to cope with this uncertainty is that I have become very good at ignoring things. I try to do the yogic thing of living in the moment. Show me the job offer and then I will start to get excited/worried/stressed about the move. Again I would give us 4/5 regarding our family’s ability to deal with the unknown.
But what has got me really thinking today is the fear of taking risks – we’re not good with this and I realised that all our change and risk-taking has been conducted within the protection of the corporate environment and with a bolt hole that we could always be relocated back to our home country (although over the years home this became blurred as to whether this was the UK or Australia)
So maybe we’re not the great risk taking,well coping family that I thought we were?!
Wow – something to ponder further! Thanks for making me think.
Wren
All good stuff. Weeks sounds much better than months – and it has a positive approach too. Very interesting.
A friend just arrived in SA and won’t stop sharing the most amazing pictures of the place. I hope you’re enjoying it all. What sort of work are you in?
Hey Wren, congrats again for winning last week’s e-book.
One of my mottos is ‘never say never’. We might be hear forever. We might not be. If an opportunity came up in England, I might well take it. If elsewhere, again, I’d consider it. So I try to make the most of my life here but realise I can leave whenever I want to and also I can stay. Removing that permanence makes things easier for me to handle longer-term.
Interesting what you say about the risk element and I always wondered whether people who had been moved by a company might struggle as the company had always looked after and protected them. Take that away and it’s interesting to see how you’d feel. But maybe being away so long means you’ve become more resilient than you think. Definitely something to ponder further and maybe there’s another blog post in there somewhere?!
Sounds ideal to me, whatever the job is. Enjoy it while you can π
What a lovely, honest post. Stumbled on this via Twitter and now I’ll be coming back for regular reads. I jacked it all in for a fiesta-filled life in Spain before I even got started really – and i’m still here! Your new business sounds intriguing!
Thanks Josh. Lovely of you to say so and I’m really pleased you found me via Twitter and will be back. Hope you like what you see on this site. And great to hear your life has been working out in Spain. Not a bad part of the world to call home! Will share news on the biz soon – exciting times π