I was always envious of people who knew exactly what they wanted to do in life. The kind of person that wants to be a doctor from an early age. Or the colleague with a career plan that takes them to the top.
Whether it’s a respect for this determined spirit or a deep-seated envy of their focus and drive, I often found myself wishing I was more like them. Less prone to dreaming and equipped with a rock-solid future plan.
I never seemed able to work out what my plan was. The words “late starter” were often used around me as I emerged from my teens. Slow to get going but he’ll figure it out.
But I couldn’t seem to figure it out.
Frustrating as it was to be around me, I didn’t know what I wanted in life. The notion of a perfect job evaded me and thoughts of how to settle down in a chosen career plagued me.
A conversation with one of my father’s friends remains seared into my memory. Apparently unhappy with his own situation, he told me to figure out who I was and what I wanted as quickly as I could. The alternative was to lead a life full of regrets.
The idea of a regretful life terrified me. To be unfulfilled over such a long time was madness, but I couldn’t see a clear path ahead and so the doubt increased.
As my university years came to an end, I continued to watch others enter respected professions and graduate careers while I did nothing. I was no clearer in my thoughts and I still had no plan of action.
Then I entered the working world.
I joined one of the largest firms in my home town but it was a poor choice. The role didn’t fit. The culture didn’t suit. I didn’t belong.
And yet I carried on.
Dark days
I tried to change my deal. I returned to my studies in pursuit of a different career and an improved way of life but the end result was the same – a job that didn’t sit well and a career path not for me.
For eight long years I did my duty as a public servant. I wore a brave face around colleagues, I worked hard, I endured the unhappiness and I slowly died on the inside.
After fourteen years of working in a way that didn’t satisfy, it was inevitable that the darkness would come calling.
Day upon day sat at my desk in my grey government cubicle, I was lost.
Living with me during this period of my life couldn’t have been easy. Angry and frustrated, I was often annoyed at myself and prone to long bouts of sadness and despair.
Others tried to help but they couldn’t find the answer. How can you help someone who doesn’t know how to help himself?
I tried career counsellors, life coaches, even a psychologist. And still the answer wouldn’t come. Suggestions were made and advice given but the outcome was always the same.
I was stuck.
And through those dark months the sadness grew.
Constant companion
As the desperation enveloped me, there was one small thing that kept me sane.
My writing.
I started this blog and it began to grow. I used every opportunity in the workplace to write and the frequency of my blogging also grew. I wrote for other blogs, guested on websites and found publications willing to take on my words.
I wrote and wrote and wrote.
The writing became an outlet and a means of avoiding darker thoughts. As the blog increased in popularity, so did the distractions. From tinkering with the design to developing ideas, my focus shifted away from the job, as I threw myself into the writing craft.
I focused less on the situation at hand and found a way to become inspired again. I found new interest around me, a way to express myself, to discover joy. Call it a creative outlook or a new sense of purpose, I saw my writing as a form of hope – a way to give hope – and I shrugged the weight of despair from my shoulders.
As my writing developed, different working scenarios began to materialise. People responded to my words and listened to what I had to say. My work flourished and exciting possibilities opened up before me.
A hobby became a passion. A passion became a full-time working role.
And now
The reason I’m telling you this isn’t to quit your day job and create a new blog with great success. It’s not to ask you to run and forget all you might have achieved up to this point.
The reason I tell you this is because hope can come from the most unexpected places.
At a time when I grew fearful of how fast life was deteriorating, when the end result didn’t look good, the thing that saved me was right in front of my eyes.
I was lost. Forgotten who I was. Had no real goals, only broken dreams. I hit rock bottom.
And then I started to climb out.
My writing helped me rediscover myself, find my true passion and re-evaluate what mattered most to me.
I was writing.
One day I finally convinced myself I was a writer. A genuine, legitimate, real-life writer. With that, I turned my back on fourteen years of bad choices, ill-fitting jobs and a working world that wasn’t right for me and unfair on those around me.
And now…
Writing was there from the start. It was a part of me and who I am. I’ve got a long way to go. I’m still learning, still growing, still restless to know more.
I’m not there yet but I’m on my way. I’ve made a career of one of the world’s oldest and greatest professions and I care passionately about what I do.
Importantly, I found myself.
I found a way to write about my life.
In doing so, I found a way to start creating it.
Is this familiar to you? Have you struggled to work out what you want to do with your life? Let me know in the comments below.
johnmurrayh says
Awsome!!
Russell V J Ward says
Thanks John.
Morag Gardner says
I love this post! It sounds exactly how I was feeling: stuck in such a rut, feeling like I didn’t belong and despairing of things changing. Then I found an amazing opportunity, started writing a blog of my own and couldn’t be happier! I’m not a full-time writer but it’s something I love doing alongside my day job.
PuraVidaEpiphany says
My experience is very much the same. I was a writer from an early age, but put it aside to do “what I was supposed to” or just to make money. It led me to many jobs, but none of them suited. Now I am finally beginning to try to write full-time, and it’s terrifying. Thanks for your post. It’s the push I need to keep going.
Aisha Isabel Ashraf says
So many people profess to know what they want and where they’re going right from school, it makes you feel like the only one who hasn’t a clue, doesn’t it? And with that comes a sense of shame – why can’t I decide? Why can’t I commit?
They have all sorts of words for people like us: flighty, a loose cannon, head in the clouds, lacking ambition, scared of commitment. The part they never see is the intense desire to pour all our energies into something worthwhile – if only that something worthwhile would reveal itself.
My heart contracted when you spoke of your dark days, I can so relate. I was the kid at school who had no idea what they wanted to be. I’ve just written about the clinging sense of directionlessness (is that even a word?) and confidence-crisis I currently undergoing with regard to my own writing.
It’s been so satisfying to see you grow into your new direction as your family and roots grow with you. It must make the end result all the sweeter and it certainly serves to inspire the rest of us. I wish you continued success and happiness as we watch your star ascend. x
Amy @ the tide that left says
Love this post. I’m still figuring it all out. This year I will finally finish studying for my BSc after 5 long years and I feel like that only gets me to the place where I should have been 10 years ago. I just have the complete belief that it will all work out some day!
Russell V J Ward says
Thanks Morag! Keep at it and who knows where it might lead one day. The key is discovering (or rediscovering) your passion and doing it! I’m happy for you, I really am.
Russell V J Ward says
I’ve heard this story so many times – people who once did something, enjoyed it, but had to put it aside to pay the bills, get a proper job, etc. Great to hear you’re giving the writing a go full-time. I can also vouch for it being terrifying but it’s a fantastic confidence booster, particularly when it starts to work out and you wonder why it ever took you so long. Push ahead and good luck!
Cathy says
A fabulous post Russell and so true. I think I am still working out what I want to do, and like you I do enjoy expressing myself on my blogs through writing. And I don’t want to give them up, I want to continue to write and grow. Write more and more as you have done. So thank you for this post.
Russell V J Ward says
Thanks Cathy. And anytime. As I’ve said to others, keep doing what you’re doing, especially if you get joy from it. You’ll change and grow, explore and discover as you go. I’m sure you’ll figure it out 🙂
favoritesongisu says
…and strangely enough I have spent this evening reading “Strength Finder 2.0 ” and “Make your own lunch” because I’m once again trying to figure out what’s missing, still missing, always missing in my life, only to check Twitter and see you followed me. Randomly scroll through your page clicking this link. This is what the down time in my life has resorted too. Then I read this article and WOW, this is all about me. Well maybe not the writer part and then again maybe so, but geez how do I start climbing out. So ready for the “me” chapter in my life to unfold along with the “everyone” else chapters! “Everyone” is great and I’m blessed to have those chapters unfolding every day, but the “me” part stays closed. Rambling, sorry it’s a habit.
Russell V J Ward says
Great to hear from you and pleased the connection was made. I also know Strength Finder 2.0 and I can’t say that it was overly helpful although it did give me some pointers and contributed to the wider story being told to me. Glad you can relate and keep working on yourself – your strengths, your passions, the constants throughout your working life that you did enjoy or at least gave you some satisfaction, the things you’d like to do. I saw a pattern early on and it was a question of building that into a role. I hope you can create opportunities for yourself to do the same. Don’t lose hope!
Tess says
If only people weren’t quick to judge guys who havent figured it out yet. The internal struggle with yourself is enough torture. The last thing you need is people telling you stuff like like ‘you lack ambition’ or ‘you’re not serious’
Russell V J Ward says
Absolutely. It’s not helpful at all.
Chris Wright says
‘Late developer’, ‘inconformist’, ‘dancing to your own tune’ were all things like you i heard.
It’s takes guts, bravery and persistence to find your calling or purpose but it’s worth it and you inspire others.
For me i wanted to feel fulfilled, inspired, confident in who I am and happy with myself – and thankfully i do and im on the right path.
Russell V J Ward says
Anytime, Chris! Always good to see another ‘late developer’ on the right path, no matter what point in life they found it. The last sentence is the most important to me. Thanks 🙂
Danielle says
Thank you for the post!
I can very much relate to it, although from the opposite direction!
I’ve always wanted to be an artist, thought I could never endure an office job, but at the same time was too scared to really commit to art, so my life choices were driven by fear and insecurity.
And then for a couple of years I was a freelancer in fashion, and I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy with my kind of artisty life.
Later I moved to a new country and had no other choice than to work in an office, although in a creative agency. And that’s when I dared to admit to myself that I do not want to be a full time artist, ever!
I love my office job and enjoy so much that I can do all my art for fun in my free time and only for my own pleasure without the pressure of trying to earn money from it. I feel more free than ever with my 9 to 5 job and have done more artistic projects than when I was a freelancer.
I had to get to know myself better and realise that too much freedom makes me panic and freeze so I need some kind of security in order to release my creativity. Call me a boring middle class person, but I’m definitely a happy one!
So what you write in the post works both way I guess.
Thank you!
Russell V J Ward says
Thanks for sharing your story, Danielle. Really appreciate you showing a different angle to this. I would definitely not dream of calling you a boring person – you’re still doing what you always wanted but you realised the way to do it had to suit you. And it’s obviously working for you. I like the fact you were able to look at yourself and assess what fit and what didn’t – it’s all about getting to know yourself better. Thank you!
Katie Mayors says
Great post Russell! Still trying to figure it out, but going to take the leap soon…very soon. And was inspired by you from the start, when you came on the show. Your encouragement was very welcome, and your story very inspiring. THANKS 🙂
Russell V J Ward says
Thanks Katie! Let me know if/how I can help. I know you’ll be great at it when you do. Thanks for the kind words. About to relaunch the site with heaps of new goodies so maybe we can do something together again? Speak soon!
Katie Mayors says
Yes! Sounds great. Let me know when it’s ready and we’ll lock in a time. Look forward to catching up! X
Russell V J Ward says
Done. Will be in touch! x
Erica wimbish says
You are speaking the words that have been engraved in my mind for a year… I have so much to say to you but it would be too long… You are who I have dreamt to be.
Russell Ward says
Great stuff and time to get active then. Don’t delay and get started. It’s the best course of action. Keep me posted on it all.
Rebecca says
I resonated greatly with this article thank you for writing it and sharing. I was lost and in some form I still feel that i am but I do feel that I have created a small compass to guide me by standing still, going back to familiar surroundings and being with close family and friends. Sometimes we do need to take ourselves out of the status quo and away from too much noise to enable us to realise what path we would like to follow. Nothing is a bad choice its just a different path with more learnings! 🙂